Thirty-Two

Today I turn thrity-two years old. "WTF.WTF.WTF" to not so eloquently quote one of Sugar (Cheryl Strayed`s) readers and her reply, "The fuck is your life." Sometimes it seems when you learn so much so quick and you can be so proud of your progress, instead, you just get down on yourself for not continuing to move at a gazelles pace. When you could be saying, look at all I`ve done in this short amount of time, instead you find yourself saying, today I feel so stagnent. And on your birthday of all days, a day that holds, if you choose it to, so much metaphorical sygnificance. Or not, if you choose for it not to. But I do. I like birthdays and new years and celebrations of accomplishments to have methphorical relevance because, just because, it gives you something to think about. But if your just going to use those thoughts to destroy your self confidence or to condemn your actions or accomplishments then the "something to think about" is so utterly destructive that what your saying is, it gives you something to feel like shit about. Is that what I`m looking for, really? So, regardless of my ability to or not to connect emotionally to what I am saying, for logistical reasons I would like to list here what I have accomplished over the last amount of short time: Since 2010 I have come from thinking I could only really love one person, ever, and that without them my life was ruined, to being completly in love (but not with) another with whom I had a very successful relationship. I have accepted in most ways that you will get over it when your over it, and stopped hitting myself over then head with judgement about not snapping out of an eight year commitment. I have critically assessed my connection and need or lack of need for this person, acknowledging each time we connect if it is truly meaningful or not. When meeting without the abiltiy to act on our instincts, it felt very torturous, desirable and meaningful....it`s almost in the longing for this person where the happiest parts of it live. Sex, was fucking sad, because it had a temprorary nature that I never wanted from it, but settled for in that moment. And in recent conversations, there has been an air of false "I`m fine without you" shit like, all we are capable of connecting around is proving not to the other, but maybe to ourselves that we have "moved on," when in reality we haven`t. I have come far from that move out of the house in Watertown....from the crawling back, the crying, the belief that there is no other, not only is there but there is better. Since 2011 I have been admitted to and completed nuring school, accepted and been at a job in a step down critical are area for 9 months, successfully made it through the orientation process and cae out on the other side. I have floated to other units, handled two to three fairly critical situations. I am still learning to "make the call." But a good nurse takes time to learn this art. I have become a resource to do a stroke scale exam. I have learned to talk to physicians, hang fluids (that sounds silly now, but I swear it was a nightmare 9 months ag), work the pump, handle families, delegate, float if needed. I have taken the time to consider my career goals and asked my boss to discuss options with me. Next friday I have an appointment to talk about float pool status with the director of that program. I have gone to several classes, gotten CEU credits, transfered my licence, oriented at the Red Cross in hopes of seeing what I possible there. I have maintained a steady rate, although sometimes it feels like I`m half dead, of learning and willingness to embrace new opportunities. Despite how I feel, my track record shows that I am eager and committed and I can trust that. Since 2012 I have been a beautifully, wonderful, respectful relationship with Jeremy, whom I love dearly. And left it to move across the country. And then REJECTED it when I was offered an opportunity to date long distance. Am I nuts? Nope, that would be a nice and easy explination, but the truth is it is more complicated. But not so complicated that I can`t say honestly and openly what is going on, what I want and need and what I am willing to live with. There are an uncountable number or beautiful experiences I have had with this man, I can relax around him like no other, I respect him in a way that I raraly do a man, I think he`s beautiul, especially his flaws and tired eyes and smile, I feel supporte by and connected to his values. I left because it is what I had to do. I said no because I knew where we were at wouldn`t make either of us happy. I hesitate to make any real moves because i dont feel like some of my basic needs are met and am nervous to discuss them, for fear of being told, "that is more work than I am willing to do for you," or "the cost outweighs the benefit." But for me, saying what I have to say, full disclosure outweighs the risk of rejection, and I know thats teh step I need to take next. In the past year of my life, since my last birthday, I have walked a lot. I moved across the country from a studio with a man I love, to a studio with a cat we both love:) And the truth is, today, I am feeling a little bit lonely. I went to the Adirondacks for the first time. I solo-trecked in my care with a cat from NY to CO. I moved in with two strangers. I have made at least three wonderful female friends. I joined a a climbing gym. I hiked my first 5 fourteeners, two in a snow storm. I am surviving my first year as a nurse (that sounds lame and feels a little lame to say, but it also feels like quite an accomplishment). I have, in some ways, made up with Catherine, at least to the best of our abilities right now). I found graston for my wrist and knee (a godsend). I have reconnected with devouring books, yum. Had my first suegery. took a beautiful trek alone to Bonaroo, a music festival. Moved to the city. Made two male friends I feel good and not creepy about.I have climbed 10a sport on lead. Bought a lead rack. I took an aeriel arts class which I didnt fall in love with, but which really pushed me. I am growing a cool haircut I`ve always wanted, I got my first tattoo and a second ear piercing. I have $900 in my savings acount...sorry, but for me thats something to brag about. I also have health insurance and a retirement fund and a flat tire doesnt put me out for weeks. It`s a one day kind of deal. I learned to ski again. I`ve clipped my feet into a mountain bike and not fallen. Im about to be in another wedding, and to run my first race in a long long time.I went on my first cruise and snorkeled against my better judgement:)I volunteered at a homeless food shelter. I went on the longest bike rides I`ve ever been on before. Emotionally, I can`t connect with my ability to feel pride about these things so rationally, right now, I will have to accept that these things are good and something to be proud of. They are progress, which is all one can ask of themselves. In the coming few years I want so much. Among the basics, to grow as a climber...lead 10a with ease and 9 trad, get a trad rack, to learn to ask for what i want and to be ok with what that is, to finish the fourteeners, to become a more skilled camper, nurse and partner. I want to plan a long thru-hike and take a few short ones in preperation. I want to have more organization and direction in my career, on a path I am emotionally connected to, not just surviving. I heard this guy say the other day, life is lived outside of your comfort zone. And that makes me nauseous, but it also makes me happy to think that I know what it takes, and that on paper, if you looked at my life, being uncomfortable is something I am willing to do. It`s not some type of anomoly for me, althouhg based on my feeling about it right now, one might think so. It`s not.